fly away August 30, 2009

if you could only read my mind… i hate being in this situation… i want to  ran away from you… hide… can’t bear the pain you caused in me. my heart swolen by your lies. i need time to reflect…

what am i thinking… June 3, 2009

Where your devotion lies? Mine is everywhere. Its omnipresence is never-ending. Maybe you’ll a bit confused rather totally boggled. Well, my thoughts are really like this. It never set a pace from scaling. If there will be a thousand options I still have to consider the other aside from that thousand. Weird? – Kind of such.

 

Whenever I have the time for myself, a battlefield for my view is created. I have this hobby of dissecting the events happened. Later, I also try to uproot the origins. Then, refuse from the result. Yeah! A commitment of mine to think those things never was I able to personally browse. For my life, I considered plain. For my devotion I see extraordinarily unfocused, wishful yet stays positive.

 

Do you think I sound sanely safe? –sigh!

student in a hero May 29, 2009

Sacrifice. I find it something you have thought for a million times
for there is a weighing of options which are of equal significance.
From the people I knew, Dr. Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Mahatma
Ghandi, Joan of Arc and others- they had given up their lives for
their philosophy, country and for the people. How great they are? I
salute them for choosing miserable lives than their wealthy
lifestyles. I could never imagine myself doing the same. However, I am
very conscious of their victorious battles. Nevertheless, as an heir
of their sacrifices, I am a fanatic of their beliefs and so they
should all be commemorated. Imagine, what if they never done their
plebiscites – maybe we are still stacked on the ignorance of freedom.
We are all lucky enough of our heroes and possibly, continue their
legacy.
I am an ordinary student with extraordinary life. Sacrifices are
embodied on my system. As I got up in the morning (should I say dawn),
to fix myself to go to school and work and end up my day tired and
almost exhausted. A mess! My happy go lucky days end up. There are
times that I could not enjoy myself spending time with my friends.
Since, I started working and studying at the same time, I lacked time
for my family, friends and for my self as well. It is too sacrificial.
I miss them a lot especially the times I spent laughing out loud with
them. How sad! I remember it was my father’s birthday; I was not
present because of my work. I felt terribly gloomy for it was a family
day yet I was not around. These simple sacrifices create big emotional
aches. And emotional aches make me wonder and generalize the negative
impact of sacrificing.
However, compared with the great heroes, I realized that no matter how
difficult or simple sacrifices could be; there are positive things to
look unto it. I learned more how to appreciate the people surrounds
me. I understand well that sacrifices are just an opportunity not a
ground for backing out and depression and stress. With the sacrificial
things I have been, I am delighted; I was able to grow as an
individual determined and a fighter as well.

for all moms… my mama May 29, 2009

Young womanhood, the nursery of fruitful flowers, ought to accumulate riches to bequeath to its descendants.

 

The quotation speaks on motherhood. Mothers are the light of a home.  Their roles are immeasurably real and effortless. Love of them cannot be vividly described for words could not define the intense love they are showing. Mother’s job is not always an easy one. They always make sacrifices and can have their hearts broken. However, Mothers must be the conscience of young children. The great thing about mothers is that they usually understand and love their kids in any aspect.

 

Before I continue expressing my thoughts, I want to let people know how great my mother is. Mama Amie is a typical Filipina woman who is soft yet strong. Her younger days were very tough and full of sacrifices. She was been nurtured by my aunt, her eldest sister, for my grandmother could not give her the support she needed as their child. Since she was 7, she never had the attention, love and care of her mother. She became independent then. Her struggles to study and finance herself were challenging. It is the reason why she was not able to finish her college degree. However, despite this difficulties and thirst of parents love, my mom never thought of rebellion and retreatism. In fact, this urges her to improve more of herself without any bitterness at all.

 

I am inspired by her story. She maybe not the perfect person but she would be the perfect mom. The reason why I pursue studying as a goal is because of her. She always inculcate in our minds that; we must give importance on our studies for it is the only precious wealth they could give us. However, she never forces us to excel but to give shot to every opportunity we have. And since graduation is approaching, I am offering this to them. I am not an ideal daughter but I aim to give a better life to them. I took serious time on my studies and sacrifices personal luxuries, but I never regret.

 

I am very grateful for the nurturing hands I felt from my mom. I became a whole person because of the virtues she has shared with me; staying focused, never backing out and having faith. I respect myself and never put in troubles like what the other youth is experiencing right now. It never crosses my mind to give them shame, I became cautious of my actions yet became a better person.  I have healthy relationship with God because of her faith. I do have clear mind of no hatred and greed because of her balanced moral lessons.

 

I admit, we sometimes have misunderstanding but that is just what life is. Bottom line, I have the highest respect with her and truly loves her. Whenever I will have children of my own, I will as well do how my mom raises us. I will share the virtues, beliefs and knowledge I have silently inherited from her. I feel proud for having an excellent mom. Certainly Dr. Rizal’s impression and perception of Filipina is real with my mom.

Heart’s aftermath May 29, 2009

May 29, 2009

When my mind sympathizes my heart these are where my mind leads me whenever I think of my heart…
As time passes by:	Selfless thoughts…
April 7,2009	Then we were separated for good  *why don’t you go your way and I’ll go mine. Live your life and I’ll live mine. Boss, you do well and I’ll be fine. Coz we are better off separated…
April13, 2009	As of date:75% – moved on 25% – wishing   ***never gonna let you go
- weeping defeated-	As much as I love you to come back, it could not be happened anymore. You decided solely for this situation. You left with no choice but to move on… You are telling me, you don’t want to be unfair… What do you think you have done? My heart is aching and I have to deal with it alone. Then you are asking me to understand it all, I have understood everything you asked me to understand… but for this, I need you to help me get it. I’m not as wiser as you think. With you, I was dense…always. I hate myself for being such to someone not worthy of. I have tried to build harmony between us without me noticing that I was working alone for us. Still fair?   Now, I weep, then?
04.15.09	Status check:    emotionally blanked… hehe
-PAHABOL-    -NGUNIT-       -NAHULI-	Now I know why they say –love is best at its best and worst at its worst.  6 years later, I have met you unintentionally. As I remember, I don’t know you at all. I know you are existing from other room; that is it. I know no facts about you. You are totally stranger to me. Yet that stranger showed the hell out from him. And then, I fell.
4.20.09	2 weeks later:  -          Still sad. -          However, this phrase made me realized something. “Past is past. We have to accept it, not deny nor discard it.”  If we could accept what happened though how hurtful we may be, happiness will welcome us no matter what. I have been facing the gloom alone yet I still tried to understand every hurt my heart is experiencing. I have forgiven him. Yes I did! That is the time where I can say I am free. No bitterness at all. “,)   I am still missing him. Nevertheless, I still have our memories where in times of loneliness, I could reminisce.   Yeah, after years of hoping and waiting. The omega arrived. It is not good to end such like this, but we could not let anyone tagged in us for period of time. Everyone has its free will. I have mine, as well as him.   Goodbye may be a good relief for now. Someday, if hello comes, I know we could handle it well. I still believe in virtue of being patient and forgiving. +++
	***I wonder if you remember me like I remember you. I can’t stop thinking of you.  I don’t know if this means something to you. ——-====——–
4.20.09 3:22 pm	Hindi ko alam pero namimiss pa rin kita…pasasaan din at makakalimot din ako. Hay, ang hirap makipaglaro sa pag-ibig. Talo nanaman ako. Nagmamahal lang naman. Minsan lang magmahal ang pusong tanga- nakakatanga pala talaga.
4.29.09 1:25pm	Don’t let go too soon but don’t hang on too long.   I have you still on my dreams. Worst is we were together… kind of difficult to accept what has been lost and what should have been done. It feels like I lost my time hoping. Nevertheless, I learned. I learned that loving is easy, letting go is difficult. …………………………………………………………………………………………………..
4.30.09 12:41 pm	Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes. -what a beautiful mistake!!!
	Why was I the last to know?   I have forgiven you but will not forget. All memories are erased, restored and kept. I still have the same smile I had before. Though I am going and moving forward, I will be the person you knew. I may change as I deal with my endeavors yet never will I entertain the contrasting forces that may hinder me from not loving.   I still care and open for the friendship to be revived… with a smile on my face. Hello!       —finale— Love as if you have never fallen in love before…

with your love and your lies May 29, 2009

With your love and your lies

 

For all those years

I dreamt of you and me, together

Holding hands, walking down the street

Caressing each other… full of love

 

Then, you came back

It felt so beautiful

So glittered with joy…

Wishing everything was worth a wait.

 

Never have I imagined it’ll just take a wink

A love so pure, refrain from ending

But couldn’t last… I was left behind

Believing in your lies…

 

I promise myself not to fall in love again,

For the ache was unbearable

It was torturing

Then I bargain with your love

And your lies

 

It couldn’t be the same again

You couldn’t be mine again

As you were…

As we were…

With your love and your lies

As we were.

emptied March 24, 2009

I can’t think of any…

 

 

My mind welcomes nothing…

 

 

It is blank…

 

 

Blank…

 

 

Blank…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emptied by your face – sculptured on it…

 

 

 

March 16, 2009

For you

 

I hated the most,

 

Yes! I do hate you…

I have tried to refrain from getting aboard with hatred. You have left me with no choice. Decision is yours… favor is on you. Yet you neglected every pinch of effort I have exerted. 

 

I thought I have found truth within you, but all I saw are lies behind what you say – Your sincerity. It never crosses my mind the possibility of your – undefined friendship. I feel messed up waiting for your words. Why it is hard for you to speak up. Do I ever debate your thoughts? I need answers… I don’t have the power to predict yours. If your silence says cease- I cannot accept such move. I need clarity. I want you to say words.

If you want me to stop believing on you, teach me how to.

 

blinded… I am begging… please say something.

 

                                                …

 

 

I loved the most,

 

Why am I special?

How special I am?

Would you mind if I ask you a favor?

I don’t want to be special anymore…

I want to be someone…

 

 

                                                …

 

Bravest among all,

 

Are you brave enough?

You have the will to know things and understand them fully.

Be not afraid of falling, learn from it.

Beside, it is you who are sharpen by truth of life.

Have faith…

You are stronger than what you think.

God loves you…

hated and loved March 13, 2009

I dared myself to condemn you

Attempted to hide my pretentious thoughts

I had seek the world to find the answers

Yet I found zilch… left clueless.

 

I asked you earlier your deals

You confide unconfused

Confessed shallow truths

Only I heard loud whispers… left duped

 

I knew where to seek your veiled vow

Deeply, I don’t want to unbury yours

Coz’, the favor is on you

Do decide… left helpless

 

No matter how burdensome it is

The strength I tender to you

It means nothing

It means everything… still waiting

 

Come back to me,

Baby can’t you see I’m in misery…